490

70 x 7.

That's how many times Jesus says we're supposed to forgive a brother who has sinned against us.

I'm sure my brother has sinned against me, most likely ninja style in our youth, maybe not so much since. But what about others? We're really supposed to forgive everyone who sins against us, and not just once, but repeatedly, 490+ times?

Even the numbers aren't that overwhelming, but the reality is in fact quite daunting.

I like to think of myself as a forgiving person. Especially when compared to the light of my own sins and the forgiveness I myself ask of Jesus. 490x seems like a very small drop in the bucket, then. More like 70x7 to the 7th power, please!

Recently, though, someone in my life made judgements, comments, about my life, my choices that were very hurtful. It made me feel extremely angry and defensive. It's my life, my decisions. Really none of their business.

My initial, very slow to disperse, still lingering reaction is a somewhat punishing and retaliatory, "Fine. I'll show you. I don't need you in my life."

I had every intention of freezing them out. They asked for it, right?

Maybe. Probably.

But that isn't forgiveness.

In reality letting go of that resentment is a big ole' lump of something just, unpalatable, to swallow.

(Very eloquent, Emily).

We want to be right. We want to feel acknowledged and justified in our anger.

But that isn't forgiveness.

I teach 2nd grade CCD/Religious ED--the year of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I teach this bible story, this concept, yet still, it was my feet to the fire moment, and I was failing.

I feel like Ember, the fire girl in Elemental who's anger makes her burn hot and fast, and then leaves a domino effect of all sorts of damage and chaos in her wake.

There's a saying that says the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest.

As of publication, I've yet to check the box on any of these as it pertains to this scenario.

But I want them all. So where to start?

Duh, Jesus.

We often are told that cutting off the people who hurt us, is a healthy way for self-preservation. Forgive and move on.

But is that really forgiveness, then?

What if Jesus himself, said "Okay, I forgive you, but I can't let you in again. It's too risky."

Oh man. That makes my heart hurt just hypothesizing it.

What if we're called to be stronger, more resilient than we ever imagined. We often look at ourselves as victims, as sheep. From so many angles. But what if we're called to be the shepherd? To take the hurt and blame, to carry the cross, to offer forgiveness even when it's not solicited.

We are. We're called to be Christ-like. It's a tall, tall order. Commandment, even, you could say.

So, so hard.

This isn't an "I have your answers here!" post. It's a "I'm learning this business as I go," post, a "work in progress, check back later for updates" post.

So here is my simple and honest prayer.

"Lord, I am angry and resentful. I want to be vindictive and prove that they're in the wrong. But more than that I want you. Help me to let go of my anger and move into the light of your forgiveness. And by doing so offer freely and happily my own."